The Average White Guy

You know, when you’re working for a big company, you can easily get lost in the shuffle. In some respects this is good, in others it’s bad. Big companies offer stability, benefits, opportunity for advancement, and annual cost of living increases in your salary. This means as long as the people and job function aren’t too bad, you can enjoy a long career with your current big company. But there is a downside…a negative you hoped would never rear its ugly head, but inveritably does, sometimes often!

What I’m referring to is best explained via scenario. You’re sitting at your desk, your lab bench, in your office, or in your cubicle, when you get that feeling that it’s time to head for the bowl. Maybe it’s been nagging you all morning, and you hoped you could wait until you got home, but today’s not going to be one of those days. So you quietly (or covertly is probably the better word) excuse yourself, and make for the shitter.

You’re taking the long way, so as to disguise your tracks to the target zone. You’ll make eye contact with colleagues along the way, or say a quick “hi” to reassure them you’re not going to take a shit, but you feel their eyes on you anyhow. It’s probably your imagination; keep moving.

You’re a few yards from the rendezvous point now, and there’s no turning back. You wish you could have done a reconnaissance mission first, but that’s just fuckin’ impossible. You need to think in realtime. You need to react rather than plan an attack. You push (or pull) the door open, and immediately begin to assess the situation. Stall doors: all closed, but that’s the way they hang normally. Feet: Can’t see, check the mirrors. You’re all the way in now, but you don’t have a contingency. Suppose someone sees you, then what? You can’t just turn around; that would blow your cover. If spotted, b-line for the urinals, it’s your only hope. Ok, so that’s worst case. Good job.

Your rapid assessment says that not only is your favorite stall (and we all have a preferred crapper) available, all stalls are available. You can’t believe it. 110 employees, 74 men, and the 6-stall mens rooms is completely empty. You begin to feel that sense of accomplishment. You’ve “walked between the raindrops”.

You sanitize the pooping area (everyone’s ritual is different, but none are better than the others - it’s a personal preferrence). You sit down, without a paper, or course. We can’t carry a paper, magazine, book, etc… that’s a dead giveaway, what is this the fuckin’ boyscouts? You’re in position and ready to rumble.

You feel the slight change in air pressure in your ears as the door is opened. The sound from the hall outside rushes in, and you immediately know you’re not alone. Of course he’s on a covert mission as well, so here’s what’s going to transpire:

1. He’s going to notice during his early assessment that there are feet beneath a stall door and b-line for the urinals, while on the inside he’s motherfucking you for being in there.
2. He’s going to take the stall furthest from the one you’re in, and pray you didn’t see his shoes (for later identification).

You’re uncomfortable now…you know there’s a pocket of gas up in there which if permitted to escape will resonate through the mens room like a car horn in a tunnel. Assuming the second man makes the b-line for the urinal (which I fully expect), you know you’ll be alone again in a minute, then everything will be alright. You know he’ll flush after taking a fake pee, and then wash his hands and get out. You’ll watch him through the crack between the stall and door.

But there’s a problem. Before the second man finishes drying his hands (from the fake pee), a third walks in, then a fourth. All of a sudden it’s like the running of the bulls in the mens room. All you know is that you’re the only guy sitting down in there, and it’s damn uncomfortable. You know someone spotted your shoes, so they’ll know who you are, and if that happens, you’ll most likely have to quit your job, particularly if your poop is a bad or smelly one. “Hey, how about a courtesy flush?”, someone might say, but by then it’s too late. The jig is entirely, and completely up.

With an office with that many people, you’re bound to have this situation happen to you. There is no preventitive measures you can take, but there are things you can do when it happens. The most important things are: 1) Stay calm. Sudden movements (no pun intended) tend to put the bathroom invaders on edge, and make them more watchful than if left to their own devices. 3) Pretend it never happened. Maybe if you don’t acknowledge it, they won’t either. 2) Update your resume. It’s always best to have an up-to-date resume, since you will now have to quit and find new employment.