Jeez, how did I forget to post about my recent trip to Virginia Beach? Wow. It was a very memorable trip too….Ok..I’ll give you the whole story here and now.

I guess it started the night before. I needed my lovely sister, Mary to watch my house and pets for me. She came over about 8:30 that night. We were going to leave about 10:30p. My plan was to come home from work an hour or so early and catch a nap before I had to drive. That didn’t happen. So I’m tired, but no so tired that I can’t make the drive (or at least most of it).

The trip down was pretty uneventful, but that was really the ONLY part of it that was normal. Everything from there seemed to get fucked up pretty good. I mean it was a great vacation, but it was riddled with oddities and, well…..pain. I guess the “Hoy factor” plays in here…you’ll see.

Ok, so I’m exhausted when I get to the shore, but that’s not a reason to waste a day at the beach. My plan is to catch a few z’s in the morning, enjoy the waves for a few hours, then get some dinner, and an early bedtime. I got most of it done as planned. What I didn’t plan for was all the jellyfish in the water. It’s normal this time of year for the jellyfish to move in to the shore, but I’ve never seen so many. They were everywhere. Most of them were dead, or dying, but a dead jellyfish can still leave a bitch of a mark! I got mine

The other thing I got? A couple thighs full of chafing. OH MY GOD was it bad. Bad enough I could barely walk, and definitely could not swim anymore. It was the worst case of rash I can recall, and it dampened my trip dramatically. Fortunately, Natalie was kind enough to go get some desitin diaper rash cream for me Yes, I was using a diaper rash ointment! I was sort of pissed because we were scheduled to take the waverunners out for a bit, and having a rash squarely between your legs make that a painful proposition.

Overnight, the rash seemed to diminish a bit, but it still hurt. I woke up about 7:45am, and got ready to walk the 10 blocks to the Rudee Inlet (if you’ve been to VA Beach, you know what I mean). We got the waverunners and got out to the open ocean by 9.

Ok, this is where the story gets good - I mean really good Natalie is sitting behind me on the waverunner, and we’re having fun. Every now and then we’re switching seats and taking turns driving. I think my second time at the controls is when I was zig zagging. Apparently I was zig zagging to fast, because I was zagging, but Natalie was still zigging, and she went off the waverunner and into the water. I saw it happen; it’s not like I didn’t notice or anything (which would have got me killed). I slowed, and turned around to pick her up. She was all smiles as her face broke the surface, but withing 10 seconds…she began to panic.

Apparently the thought of sharks attacking frightened her. She was basically screaming now….and begging me to back up the waverunner to get her, but the thing is….waverunners don’t go in reverse. Each time I drove towards her, I’d drift past her….there was nothing I could do. So she’s in a panic, but she finally gets hold of the handle on the back of the waverunner. If you’ve ever had to climb out of the water with a lifejacket, then you know its a bitch. She’s trying as hard as she can, but she’s just not gonna be able to do it. I’m pulling and tugging, but nothing. I guess the safety boat spotted us stopped and ran out to us to help. We finally got her back up. Once she was aboard she was fine again, but I can’t remember seeing anybody panic like that. She was yelling: “Jim, I can’t swim to you….I’m trying but I’m not going anyhwere!” The truth is that she was swimming as fast as I think she’s ever went in her life. I wish I had pictures!

I guess getting wet aggrevated my rash again, so walking back to the hotel was like really fucking painful. I thought it would ruin the rest of my day, but the desitin came back to the rescue. It soothed, but of course it’s not healing a rash in enough time to swim without more pain. Fortunately…the rest of the day was a shopping day. I went with my Uncle Jim, and Natalie went out “antiquing” with my Aunt Donna. Their experience sucked, but that’s her story; not mine I drove around the entire “Hampton Roads” area with my uncle. He was a sailor in Norfolk for 6 years, so he knows the area pretty well. It was a good time, and a chance to relax my thighs.

At about 5:00p we decided to go for a swim. Yes, the pain came back, but I knew I’d be alright for a short swim. Later that night we went to Otani, a Japanese steakhouse, which is easily my favorite kind of restaurant. The next day was going to be our last full day on the shore, so I had to find a way to not waste it writhing in pain. My thought was to get myself a pair of jockey shorts….the mid-thigh kind. This would prevent the rubbing that was really screwing me up.

The shorts worked…on a variety of platforms. The pain was missing when I swam, and Natalie liked them too…but this blog is NC-17, not X

Ok - time out to explain the “Boyle” (my mother’s family) purpose for going to the beach. We are body surferes. We love the waves.

Now I’m pain-free, but it didn’t really matter. There were fewer and smaller waves at VB this week than most of your bathtubs. It really sucked. I’m going to chalk one up for the “Hoy factor”. I’ll also give credit to the Hoy factor for all the odd stuff that happened this week. I hope you can figure out what the Hoy factor is by now: It’s the cosmic scale which keeps all Hoy’s from becoming too successful, happy, or comfortable. It keeps us humble, and hard-working. It is what compels us to be ambitious, while at the same time slaps us for being ambitious. I’ve come to accept it, and even take advantage of it, since it’s a sort of “crystal ball”.

The last notable anticdote I suppose is that I flooded the toilet in our room. I can’t take full credit here; the plumbing and water pressure in that hotel is for shit. Anything more than a pee-sized dump will cause problems. I had to call maintenance to come up to the room, but when he arrived with his trusty plunger, I asked him to stay out there, and give the device to me. He didn’t know it, but I saved his life that night. I really abused that shitter.

Well, that’s about it. It was a great trip despite all the shortcomings. I had fun, and I can’t wait to fuck up another vacation very soon.