The Average White Guy

If you’re Rocky & Bullwinkle fan, you got the title, if not: The end of every Bullwinkle cartoon ended with a “to be continued…” type theme, where the narrator gives you the title of the upcoming episode, followed by the “or” and an alternate title… So I followed suit.

I’ve never lived anywhere but Pittsburgh, PA, but I’ve been a ton of other places in my lifetime. Since I have no basis for comparison as a resident, I can’t back up my next statement with proof, but I suspect I’m 100% right. The Average White Guy firmly believes there are no more than 3 places in all of the United States where driving is more painful than here in Pittsburgh. I’m going to say New Orleans, New York, Los Angeles. New York and L.A. are sort of disqualified though, because there are so many people…of course driving around those cities is going to be rough. I’ve never been to New Orleans, but from what I understand, nobody should be driving in or around the city for the same reasons I know are true in Pittsburgh.

Driving in Pittsburgh is a chore. It doesn’t matter where you’re going, or when you’re going there, the layout of the city is obstacle number one. Nothing in Pittsburgh is perpendicular. You will find very few intersections which are intuitive to the outsider. Our intersections often force you to make turns at angles between 120, and 160 degrees, whereas most intersections are 90 degrees. Most of these intersections aren’t flat either. You’re coming down a hill way too steep for a road, turning onto un uphill street, seemingly too steep to climb with your 4-cylinder Toyota. It’s a nightmare to get anywhere even when the roads are desserted.

Now enter the Pittsburgh driver. No matter how bad the driving is in the city, the drivers here complicate things exponentially. This is where New Orleans doesn’t even compare, neither do L.A. or New York. Pittsburgh touts some of the most advanced bio-medical institutions in the country. Just up the road from the mega-medical complex is one of the most prestigious universities in the country: Carnegie Mellon University. What’s funny though - and I’ve never been able to figure out why - no matter how intelligent you are, sitting in the driver’s seat of your car makes you a dumbass.

If you think this is bullshit, call your brother-in-law or someone else you know who lives in Pittsburgh. Maybe it’s the carbon monoxide in the exhaust, but the average Pittsburgher loses between 50 and 75 I.Q. points during engine ignition. I’ve never come in contact with a bigger group of fucking idiots in all of my life than the evening commute drivers. Why Pittsburgh isn’t the murder/suicide capital of the world, I’ll never know, because most of the time, I’m ready to kill someone … or myself.

There is a good study done about this subject you can find it here (http://bandit.pc.cs.cmu.edu/driving/), but you’ll need Quicktime installed to watch the videos - which I highly recommend. This guy has video evidence of some of the stupid things Pittsburghers do.

It’s been a while since I watched the entire series of videos, but here are a couple of my favorite Pittsburgh driver maneuvers, which would get you murdered elsewhere:

1. The Pittsburgh Left - Although found other places, never so prevalant as here in Pittsburgh. The Pittsburgh Left refers to the first guy in the line of opposing traffic at the light in front of you. When the light turns green, the opposing driver guns it, and turns left before you can procede through the intersection. Although you’re going straight - which gives you the right of way, the other driver clearly deserves to go first, because he timed the light better, and jumped out to a lead before you. My typical response to this is to gun my car too. I want this cocksucker to think I’m going to hit him. This works especially well if he’s got his wife or girlfriend with him. Because this left-hand maneuver puts her on the side of the would-be impact. I’m sure he gets an earful from her after the turn.
2. The “Stop by Proxy” - This is another Pittsburgh Classic. The stop by proxy is performed by the second car approaching a stop sign behind the lead car. The car in front stops completely, obeys all traffic laws by looking in all directions before resuming his progress through the intersection. The second car in line (who was probably tailgating [we’ll get back to this one in moment]) was following so closely, that this driver figures that if it’s safe for the lead car to proceed, he doesn’t need to stop because it’s also safe for him. Reaction time on my part typically isn’t fast enough to scare the life out of this kind of driver. They never had any intention of stopping their vehicle, so I’m usually not ready to peg the pedal until he’s all the way through the intersection.
3. The “Pull-Through Stopper” - This is the term which describes a driver who’s making a turn from a stop sign, but doesn’t stop at the sign, but in the middle of the intersection. A scenario describes this best: You’re on a two-way street, signaling to make a left hand turn. At this intersection, there is no right-hand turn for you; it’s a T intersection. As you approach the side street, you see a driver jutting out into the intersection with their left signal on. This means (sometimes, but not always) the driver is going to turn left (away from your car).Since you don’t have a stop sign, you have the right of way. You proceed to turn left in front of this car, but it’s more difficult, because you now have to steer around the car’s front end in the path which is rightfully yours. This “pull-through” stopper believed you would let them turn in front of you, which is by extension a glorified “Pittsburgh Left”. If you had the opportunity, you’d notice the face of the turning driver is angry and can’t believe you didn’t yield for his/her royal highness.There’s an equal but opposite reaction to this maneuver as well. As you’re turning (legally) in front of this bastard, make sure you give him the impression that you’re trying to hit his car. He can’t react, but it might make him think a little before doing it again…but probably not.
4. The Tailgater - Now this is obviously a problem elsewhere, but in Pittsburgh, it’s an art form. The Pittsburgh tailgater doesn’t just follow too closely. Our variant of tailgater follows so closely that you typically can’t see his/her headlights in your rear view mirror. This puts them within four feet of your rear bumper. Hardly enough time to even notice your sudden stop, much less the required distance for them to slow their vehicle to a halt. As bad as this is, there’s a tailgating breed within the breed which is far worse; that’s next.
5. The Hi-beaming Tailgater - The hi-beamer is a tailgater with an added bonus. The hi-beamer always drives an SUV or 1/2-ton+ pickup trucks and preys on sports, compact, and sub-compact vehicles. The hi-beamer is always in a hurry to get somewhere. It doesn’t matter how fast you’re going (even above the posted speed), the hi-beamer wants to get there faster than you. If you don’t speed up, they turn their hi-beams on to coax you into greater speed. The worst part is, that their headlights are mounted so high, that when they’re within the tailgater-recommended 4-ft mark of your rear bumper, the headlights look like they’re mounted in your back seat. They do this with impudence, because they know there’s no real defense to their tactics. Or so they think.For both the tailgater and the hi-beamer, the recommended defense is to slow your pace to the point where the asshole behind you wants their head to explode with anger. At this point depending on your personality, you’ll have a couple of options:

        1) Allow the driver to illegally pass you on the left. This affords you the peace of mind that the asshole is annoying someone else. or

        2) Since the Average White Guy doesn’t fuck around on the road, he uses this technique: Slow to the snail’s pace as described above. Once the tailgater tries to pass, flex your car’s muscle and speed up to where he can’t get around you. Repeat as necessary.

        3) You can also do the brake jam. Hit it hard and fast, giving the dickhead behind you the impression you want him to hit you. This typically scares them back a little bit.

        4) *The Average White Guy is also tinkering with a new technique to drive the tailgater mad. I’m considering dealing with the tailgater by speeding up for no other reason but to create separation. Once separated, hit the brakes hard. Let them catch up and do it again. This gives the other driver the impression that you’re insane, and shouldn’t be fucked with.

        5) *Although untested, I believe a method for dealing the hi-beamer specifically would be to purchase deer spotter. These bright flashlights tend to range from 1,000,000 to 2,000,000 candlepower. When the hi-beams go on, fire that puppy back towards the car behind you. I assure you it will make him back off. The deer spotter has a range of a few miles, so it’s going to get the job done. I’ve never used this because bright lights like that can confuse and disorient a driver to the point where he’s now going to wreck. It’s not my intention to harm a driver, just to piss them off with equal impudence as they’ve pissed me off.

Of course the Average White Guy doesn’t advocate the breaking of any traffic law, or causing harm to anyone. Use these techniques at your own risk, and without any severable liability to the Average White Guy.

Ok, so these are the most outwardly-offensive drivers in the city. But the passive drivers are just as bad if not worse…Weather conditions aside, the elderly Buick drivers in this town make me want to shit. The posted speed is 40 MPH, but 25 seems to be too fast for these old douche bags. They’re known for slowing down an entire line of cars, and causing the people behind them to be 5-10 minutes late for whatever engagement they’re traveling to. If it were 5-10 minutes, it wouldn’t be so bad. But when you turn to a new street, there awaits another slow driver who’s going to hold you up. It’s not uncommon for someone to be 30-40 minutes late for work, just because of the asshole in front of them. They’re always old, and typically drive Buicks. Buick is my nemisis. Not all Buick drivers are like that, but most are.

Turn signals? Myths. All myths. There exists no condition in Pittsburgh in which a turn signal is deemed necessary by your average Pittsburgh driver. I don’t even know why Detroit continues to put these things in cars. When you do get someone who uses them, they signal for 3.5 miles before their turn, or (because of the layout of the roads) turned a soft right or left, and will keep the signal on for 3 miles. Turn signals kill people.

Then there’s the people who aren’t sure if they’re turning or not. They’ll basically commit to the turn, and at the last second, while you’re accelerating past their turning vehicle, they straighten out again, and continue on their way. It’s odd.

Lastly, Pittsburgh gets snow 3-4 months out of the year. You’d think that the average 30+ year old driver (who’s been driving for 12-14 years, would learn how to handle a fucking vehicle on wet or snowy roads. Well, you’d be wrong if you thought that. Even a dusting slows this city to a crawl. Yes, I know in the South, it’s worse than here, but in the South, they don’t get snow that often, so it should be a big deal. Here in Pittsburgh, it happens every winter. By now people should be used to it.

Or how about the dumbass who stops in the middle of the road (with 10 cars behind him) to let a car at a stop sign pull out in front of him? This driver is attempting to be courteous to the turning driver, but what about the 10 cars he’s not being courteous to when he stops?! How fucking stupid can you be? The turning driver doesn’t have the right of way; we do. Why would you break convention, halt 10 cars, just to let one pass? The most courteous thing you can do is to continue on your way…this is courteous to the 10 cars behind you. The stop sign is there for a reason, typically because the intersecting road carries more traffic, and to maintain proper flow, doesn’t require a stoplight at this intersection.

As is evident with the snow, Pittsburghers don’t learn their lesson. So don’t be surprised if you’re trying my techniques, and the other drivers don’t learn the lesson. Basically, all you have to do is drive the speed limit, obey traffic laws, courtesies, and procedures, and we’ll all be fine.