Well, Punxsutawney Phil - the world’s most famous groundhog did not see his shadow this year. That means he’s “prognostacting” an early spring. Prognostacating is quoted because Phil is said to be “the prognostacator of prognostacators” during the ceremony.

There are a couple of things I’d like to say about Groundhog Day, the first being that I’ve been to Punxsutawney - which is less than two hours from where I went to College - for Groundhog Day. I went with a few buddies when I was in college, and I was completely and utterly shocked by the event. You need to get there around midnight of the night before, or you’ll be standing a mile from “Gobbler’s Knob” when they pull Phil out. You see the coverage on the news, and most of you have seen the movie…but what Hollywood and the media fail to tell you is there are more than 30,000 people smashed together in about an acre and a half. Are these families gathering to see the big event? Fuck no. Most of these folks are drunken college students, with no shirts on (the women either in some cases), crowd surfing, and basically moshing to bad Pennsylvania Polka music.

We almost got into a group fight the year we went. The assholes in front of us were pushing and pushing and pushing, and finally my friend Casey had it. We shoved back. It almost went to violence, but somewhere else in the crowd a fight broke out, which distracted all of us.

Casey went crowd surfing and was carried to the edge of the main isle down the middle. The PA National Guardsmen escorted him back to the common area behind the crowd. I felt bad for him, so I voluntarily left, knowing I wouldn’t be permitted to come back. I looked and looked but couldn’t find him. Not wanting to stand back there alone until it was all over two hours later, so I decided to worm my way back down to the front (we were about 5 rows back) from the very back of the lawn. It took me a good hour, but I finally made it.

As they were pulling Phil out of the cage, I remember thinking: “Man how fucking anti-climactic is this? I drove an hour and a half to watch a man hold a groundhog?” Everyone cheered, and then there were fireworks - in the daylight. Some more music, and then a bunch of drop-dead tired people wandering back to their cars and heading for home. The whole experience was a joke, I’ll never go back.

The second thing about Groundhog day I need to address is: “Are you fucking serious?” He’s a rodent. Punxy Phil is a groundhog. Any good farmer would shoot him dead the minute he popped his ugly ass out of the hole. He’d have no chance to look for a shadow, he’d be dead. But once a year, we (and there are other “all-hallowed” groundhogs on this day) gather around Phil, and cheer for him. It’s pathetic. Who’s dumb idea was it to put our weather-predicting faith in the hands (or paws) of a groundhog? From what I remember about the Bible (as depicted in “The Ten Commandments” starring Charleton Heston) it’s wrong to worship false gods or idols. How can we be more blashphemous than to worship a long-toothed rat? C’mon Christians…get with the program.