In case you’ve been in a coma for the last 48 hours, here’s the scoop: Britney Spears is apparently crazy. Yes, I know we should have seen the signs; she has a song called “Crazy” where she says, “You know I’m cra-azy…blah blah blah…”. To prove to the world that she is, in-fact crazy, Britney walked into a hair salon and shaved off all over her hair. You can buy Britney’s hair if you’re a millionaire with nothing better to blow your money on. *By the way, for the same million, you can have all my hair, and I’ll cut your grass for a month.* To further drive the stake home on her insanity, Britney jumped out of a friend’s car at a gas station and proceded to beat both a paparazzi and his vehicle with an umbrella. There’s a video on the bottom of the Britney post on X17 Online. Here you’ll find some stills of the enraged lunatic and her umbrella as well as a YouTube-esque video which captures the same footage, but not quite as up close and personal.

***** Make sure you visit the X17 Online site - AWESOME pictoral of it all*****

Let’s not stop there. Let’s all go get tattooed. Yes, you heard me. Let’s all shave our heads, and then head out for something more permanent. Not that I’m knocking tattoos, but if you’re only getting one because you’ve flipped your lid, you’re not just a crackpot, you’re an idiot. Nonetheless, our sweet little “Hit me baby one more time” is just one step short of self-mutilation, or auto-erotic asphyxiation (look it up).

In order to understand her “non compos mentis” (not having sound mind) we must first consider that Britney hasn’t had an album released since 2003. Yes, it’s been four years since ol’ Britney has done anything creatively productive. Yes, I know about all the baby stuff, which tends to weigh on your singing/touring career. The thing is that four years later, we’re still up in her face about everything. The paparazzi cover her 24/7 and never give her a minute of rest. I’ll admit I’d probably be about crazy by now too if it were me.

Having said that, she’s a wack-o. I think it might be time for Britney to move to Bahrain, just like Jacko did when he went insane….well went insane this time. In Bahrain, Britney can be robed entirely, hiding her identity, and finally get some peace. She’ll also be able to do that thing those Muslim chicks do the “lalalalalalalalalalalala” vocal riff they sing when they’re happy. She’ll love it.

Alternately - because she’s bald - she can do a musical number on Saturday Night Live, and tear up a picture of the Pope. Nothing kills your stardom and fame faster; just ask Sinead O’Connor.

Or, she could be the lead in G.I. Jane part II. In this movie she could be a covert agent, inserted hehind enemy lines, armed with only her wits and a green umbrella.

I miss the sweet little Britney that was too young to do anything to, but oooooh if she wasn’t. You guys all remember thar, right? It was we that were crazy, but alas stardom has taken its toll, and the more intoxicated Britney gets, the more sober we get. What the hell were we thinking?