The Average White Guy

The following is a list of things that I’ve learned in my day that should be passed on. No, I’m not terminally ill, on death row, or heading to combat duty. I’m fine, normal, and ready to live life again tomorrow. So here they are in no particular order:

1. When washing dishes by hand, wash both top and bottom. Then rinse both top and bottom. Visually inspect your dish, and determine if you need to wash again. Sure, this is a little thing, but nobody likes to eat from a plate with a caked on lasagne flake from last weekend.
2. (Men only) Using your teeth is ok, but don’t bite the nipple. Your jaw muscle is ounce for ounce the strongest in your body. You’d be surprised at just how hard you can bite without realizing it.
3. Books are never better than the movie. The proof: Porno. You read a porno book and tell me if it’s as good to you as the movie.
4. (Men only) You can’t sneeze in midstream while taking a piss, and keep it in the bowl.
5. Rap music isn’t music. If you like rap, that’s fine, but don’t call it music. Calling rap a form of music is like calling a 1979 Yugo a sports car.
6. Certain movies just can’t be shown on network or cable television uncensored. Movies like “Casino”, which airs on the USA Network almost weekly can’t be bleeped-out without destroying its integrity. “Flog You!” or “Forget You” just aren’t worth your time. Die Hard is a good one: “Yippie-kay-ay motherfucker” became “Yippie-kay-ay my friend”.
7. Procrastination is like masturbation; you’re only fucking yourself.
8. No matter how clear your sinuses are, you’re always going to emerge from the pool for the first time with a big green booger hanging out of your nose. Expel your nose garbage before surfacing to avoid embarrassment.

The last two are from movies

9. “…no bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country.” - General George Patton, Patton
10. “I don’t want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don’t want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don’t want to do that.” -Lloyd Dobler, Say Anything (1989)

 I bring this list to you as public service. Please don’t let these lessons go untaught upon my departure from this planet. Thanks.