I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Pittsburgh is no place to own a car. The roads weren’t built for cars. The city wasn’t designed around how people commute. Pittsburgh driving sucks. While there are many causes of the driving conditions here, the one I’d like to hone in on for a bit is the elderly driver. Yes, I’m going to pick on the elderly, but I can’t stress this enough: It’s my blog!

Now before we get all hub-bub about stroking the elderly, first let me say that in any stereotypical group of people there are exceptions. I’m sure there are at least a dozen or so Muslims who didn’t want to see 9/11 happen. I’m sure there are a handful of actors who vote republican. I’d even say that there is an underwelming minority of professional athletes who don’t use performance-enhancing drugs. Of course these exceptions don’t typify their respective groups, so I’ll look past the exceptions and nail the stereotype.

Elderly drivers are dangerous. Nearly 88% of all traffic-related incidents are caused be  old people. (I’m making this up) A left turn signal goes on as they exit the driveway, and stays there for the duration of their trip. It’s odd that there is a turn signal mode which I haven’t discovered yet. How the hell do they get that to stay on through a turn?! I have a hypothesis about it though. I think those elderly are hanging something (their walker, false teeth, colostomy bag, etc…) on the turn signal lever. This causes the lever to be pulled into the left (down) position. Hey, I could be right.

Of course the turn signal is an annoyance; I don’t like it, but I’m learning to let it go. The maximum speed these people observe (28 mph) is where I draw the line. I’ve got places to go. I’ve got things to see, and stuff to do. I don’t mind you driving your 28 mph, but do  you have to do it in the one available construction lane on the freeway? Do you have to build up a line of cars so long behind you that it can actually be seen from space? It’s unbearable at times. There are 60 people behind the lead car all silently MF’ing the 77 year old driving in front. Somehow these elderly folks don’t recognize the delay they’re causing. If they could actually see into the rear-view mirror from their vantage point (eyes about level with the volume knob on the car radio - which is playing music from the 1930’s by the way), maybe they’d be able to see how much of a problem they are for everyone else on the road.

I think the solution to the problem is semi-scientific. I think we lack the technology now, but in the near future  hopefully we posess the technology required. What I envision is a device which evaluates a person and knows when they would die of natural causes. Subtract 16 years, and you have the agen when that person should be required to forfeit their driving privileges. Thinks about it… You can’t drive the first 16 years of your life. You shouldn’t be allowed to drive the last 16 years either. Of course we can’t tell when a person would die of old age, so it renders this solution useless. Let’s try a more “heuristic” approach…

If you wear “Depends” you’re out… No no no. I’m kidding. Incontinence and bladder control problems don’t contribute to the deterioration of your driving moxy, or do they?! What if driving privileges were contingent upon a yearly evaluation of your fitness, health, reaction time, decision making skills, all of which would culminate into a proctored driving examination? The minimum age would be say, 60. Your current driver’s license is revoked and you are tested for a new license; a senior’s driving license.

I know it sound like I’m attacking old people, and to some degree I am, but in defense of myself and others. The kind of elderly people who have obviously lost their capacity for driving should really be removed from driving situations. I hate to say that, but it’s true. Sometimes unpopular decisions need made to preserve the health and well-being of the general public. Besides, I hate driving 1/2 the permitted speed.