The Average White Guy

If you’re looking for a quick cheeseburger and fries,  your options are probably the same as mine: McDonald’s, Burger King, and Wendy’s. While I have never really liked McDonald’s, I’ll eat there from time to time. The food isn’t great, but McDonald’s is essentially a blue-collar institution. I feel almost obligated to make it to McDonald’s once a year.

Burger King? Never. It’s one thing to bullshit your customers into believing that you’re serving them quality food. It’s another to insult the lot of grilling Americans out there. Burger King’s burgers are only grilled in the sense that the griddle has a pattern on it, which chars the “meat”. Anyhow, Burger King tastes like shit too.

This leaves us with Wendy’s. Now, I started this post last week before I took a trip to Baltimore to visit my buddy, Kyle (and see the Yankees play). I was inspired by a trip to Wendy’s last Tuesday evening. While Wendy’s is definitely the cream of the crop (um, fast food cheeseburgers), I’m gonna have to give Wendy’s the ‘Yellow Card’ today.

I noticed something earlier last week that I confirmed to a similar trip to Wendy’s on Sunday in Baltimore. The Wendy’s $0.99 Junior Cheeseburger has gotten smaller. When I say smaller, I don’t just mean the beef patty; I mean the whole damn thing. The bun is smaller, the cheese slice… ALSO SMALLER! It’s like they shrunk the thing.

Personally, I think it’s bullshit. If you’re losing profits on the item, raise the price a hair. I’d rather pay an extra $0.19 per cheeseburger than have to order an extra burger to satisfy the hunger. It’s crap Wendy’s, and I’m mad about it. I think it’s a shady, underhanded thing to do to  your customers. It’s not even so much that you did it. It’s that you did it as if you were trying to pull one over on us. Fuck that noise.

Dave Thomas, long-time owner and chief spokesman for the company must be rolling around in his Dublin, Ohio grave these days. I can still see his commercials. I can still see his smiles. I can still remember just how much Dave Thomas cared about servicing his employees, not his pocketbook. Dave was a businessman. He knew the fastest way to the customer’s wallet was fast, courteous service at a resonable price. He was a good guy, and he’s sorely missed.

Who is the fucking asshole who’s running the show these days? I’d love to smack him. It started out harmlessly, but now the menu has changed, the food tastes worse than it ever did, the service typically sucks, and the advertising… OHHHH the advertising. I’ve never wanted to punch and kick stuff more than when that stupid commericial with the cross-dressing dudes with the red Wendy’s wigs in some other-than-fast-food situation. Just fucking stop. Nobody wants to buy cheeseburgers because you found some wannabe actor to put on a phony wig and prance around like a cocksucker.

I remember the old ads. I remember the old woman asking “Where’s the beef?” at the competitor’s counter only to have the manager flip over a slice of lettuce exposing the undersized patty of overcooked processed meat. I remember how when she got to Wendy’s, she was overwhelmed by the size of the burger they served. I know she is dead now too, so this must also be tempting her to wake from the dead and haunt Wendy’s corporate.

It’s just ridiculous that companies take us for granted and assume we’re stupid. How long did you think it would take to figure this out? I’m insulted. Oh, and by the way… If you’re going to charge me the same price for less food than before, at least have the courtesy to cook the fucking stuff the way it’s supposed to be. I don’t want to be served six-hour old cooked patties anymore. I don’t want soggy fries, and I don’t want Coke-flavored ice. I want the slack taken up in other places. I want the same value for the money when I come in now as I did two weeks ago. Don’t rip me off… And take off the stupid fucking wigs.