I wanted to write this post the same night after the show, but I didn’t get home until 3:45am on Wed. morning… It’s a two and a half hour drive from Cleveland back to Pittsburgh. Wednesday was still a work day, and Thursday was of course Thanksgiving. I woke up sick on Friday morning and I’m just this evening returning to form.

I had a blast last Tuesday, thanks to my Uncle Jim. He scored me a ticket to see the legendary British progressive rock band “Yes”. I had always been a fan, but I had no idea just how much a fan I really was. I won’t make this an overly-long post, so I’m not going to tell you how it all came to pass (as it’s actually my Uncle’s story anyhow) but I also got a VIP and backstage pass for the show (image above). I was elated because I wasn’t expecting it at all, and I’ve never actually been backstage before.

Being backstage for the first time and a functioning adult with all five senses in tact, I was able to observe and compile a list of what not to do when meeting a band backstage after a show. If you’re backstage, chances are, you’re a pretty big fan, which makes the need for this list that much sadder, since you’d hope most people would go out of their way in this sort of situation, but without further ado, here’s the list:

1. Do not forget to shower or use personal hygiene products such as (and specifically) deodorant or antiperspirant. You might think that this one is self explanatory, but apparently it’s not. Forget about courtesy for the band for a moment. What about the regular people you’ve offended all day? This one is #1 on the list for a reason.
2. Never criticize the setlist from tonight’s show. Ok, so maybe they didn’t play your favorite song. Maybe they only played two songs from your favorite album. Maybe they played that one song you didn’t like. Either way, avoid the criticism. Most bands have a process for determining the night’s setlist, and trust me, you’re not part of it. Of course, I might be out of line suggesting that the band should be doing anything other than catering to your desires specifically. If you think I am, let me know… I wouldn’t want to offend you on my stage either.
3. Know how your camera works BEFORE asking to score a picture with your favorite band. Bands do these backstage appearances for you - the fan. They know you’d like a momento to take home with you. I doubt any one of the band members is willing to part with a lock of their own hair, an instrument, expensive jewelry, or unpublished lyrics. As such, they’re usually willing to pose for a quick photo with you if you ask them. It is your responsibility to know how to use your own camera before you find yourself in the situation where you have to work the device in game conditions. Also, if you have to explain how to use it to someone else so that they can take a picture of you.. make sure you know exactly how to explain it while the lense is pointing at you.
4. The band is not doing a photo shoot; get one pic and get out. I could have called this one “3b” since it’s related to #3, but I think it’s separate. Show some courtesy and politely ask for a quick photo. If the band/member says it’s ok, get one good shot (going back to #3) and be done. Remember, you’re not nearly as important a person as they are - if you were, they’d have VIP passes to see you. Respect your own inferiority and settle for one photo, even if it is a thumb shot. Hey, I bet that’d be a conversation starter. You telling people “That’s me with Gene Simmons!” (or Yanni - who am I to presume you’re a KISS fan), and nobody believes you because all people can see is a blurry dark thumb. Again see rule #3.
5. Don’t overstate your case as to why a particular band member (or the whole band) should spend a disproportionally longer amount of time yammin’ it up with you. Ok, I get it… you services the band’s equipment bus for 12 years. You were a paralegal for the law firm which handles the band’s legal affairs for the last five years. You were at the band’s tour manager’s brother’s wedding back in May. You worked for the ad agency the record label hired to promote the last album which went platinum, for which you will take some credit. None of this means squat to a tired group of musicians who poured it all out on stage the earlier that night. Maybe they are intruiged. If they are, they’ll ask you about it, but under no circumstances does anything like the above mentioned entitle you to an exclusive with anyone back there.
6. Groupies are not appreciated the same way you think they are. Just don’t do it… Groupies are nasty.
7. Don’t whine when your favorite band member doesn’t want to hang out after the show. Do any of you like working late? I didn’t think so.
8. Show your appreciation for being given the opportunity to come back and meet them. Even if you won your backstage pass from the local radio station, remember someone is doing you a favor by letting you backstage. Thank your band kindly for the opportunity.
9. Don’t ask the band to do private appearances or other engagements. I don’t care if you do work for the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame. Bands have managers and managers handle the business end of things. You have no business asking the band members to do speaking engagements or other performances. Likewise, they’re not going to play at yoru wedding or your son’s birthday party, so don’t even ask, ya dummy.